Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for

There are several people I need to forgive.  But, one that stands out to me that I haven't yet forgiven is an ex boyfriend.  The people who subscribe to my post will know how I am talking about and I don't really need to say names.  But, I need to forgive him, not because I will ever forget but, because I have learned from it, moved on and it would make me happier if I just forgave.  I had just a few boyfriends though out my dating life.  One in particular I was with for a few years.  He was horrible to me.  He was insulting, a cheater, a liar and he was in a church band.  At that time I didn't understand why someone who was so involved in church would cheat on me after church with two females in his car at the park across the street.  I didn't understand why someone who gave me a "promise ring" would break this promise.  But, he did.  He put me though an emotional roller coaster.  Breaking up with me all the time so he could focus on God and being pure when, he was just focusing on other women, booze and drugs.  It didn't really hit me until I went and stopped by a party that I saw his car at.  I was not stalking him...promise....the person that was having the party lived a few blocks away.  I saw his car out there and decided to take a peek inside and say hello.  He had his arm around another female.  I yelled at him and ran out and he chased after me.  He then poured beer on me and told me that I embarrassed him.  You would think I would have slapped him in the face and drove away...You would think after he cheated on me the first, second or third time I would have walked away ...but, no I didn't.  I proceeded to listen to him yell at me and then went home and cried.  I got a page later that night with a voicemail on it that had a song by Trisha Yearwood and Leann Rimes "How do I live"  I thought it was him...It wasn't.  I didn't know until about a week later I got a 143-98 (which stands for I love you) 98 was CJ's code...Cj paged me I love you?  But, I didn't really think too much about it.  The next day I called Cj to cry to him about the "ex boyfriends" antics and he told me to come over.  I went to his house and cried.  He just held me, listened to me and told me it would be ok.  He took that whole week off of work to hang out with me.  Everyday after school I drove to his house.  By Friday of that week I was feeling really happy.  I didn't really know why...So Friday night he asked me if I wanted to go to dinner...to get my mind off of the BS that had happened the week before.  So, I did...That night was CJ & I's first kiss...My stomach fluttered...my eyes glossed over.  It was like I had never been kissed before...it was like I forgot about who I was crying about the week prior...It was like I didn't remember who he was anymore.  That night he asked me if I got his song on my pager?  If I had listened to it? ...I can remember that feeling still like it was yesterday like no one else in the world mattered.  This ex boyfriend of mine was not anything to me anymore.  That whole next week went by very fast..it was grad night and graduation then summer.  Id like to say that was the last I saw or heard from my ex but it wasn't.  Id like to say that was when I was done.  I wasn't.  I don't know why I even got back with him or for how long, but, I think it was fear.  Fear to the fact that CJ was it for me and I knew it.  I knew that once I was with him there would be no other man in my life ever.  So one night I went out with some friends to San Diego.  All I could think about was CJ...I couldn't think about anyone else.  I didn't think about my ex ...until he called...he called and called and called...I was done.  I was tired of being a doormat.  I look back now at the beginning of Cj & I's relationship.  If I would have forgave the ex for what he had done I wouldn't have been so hard hearted with Cj...I wouldn't have accused him time and time again for cheating when at that time he wasn't.  I would have trusted him.  I wouldn't have been so overbearing...controlling, self centered.  I wish I would have forgave my ex a long time ago.  But, I do...If I wouldn't have been with him I wouldn't have known what love was not...I would not have known what an immature relationship was or how you deal with someone breaking your heart.  I would not have known how to teach my son to "not be" a certain way with girls...regardless of if its a Jr high, high school, college or adult relationship women need to get treated with respect.  If he doesn't want to be in a committed relationship he should not be in one..plain and simple.  The ex really opened my eyes to my true love ....Who knows if Cj would have leaped if I didn't call him crying...or him seeing me hurt.  So I don't only forgive this ex of mine...I thank him.